DO NOT TRUST THE ASIANS!!!
It’s on! They have started!
1:37 am. The 5hole is tucked away all nice in his bed. Dreaming about a field of huge pimples that I’m just popping with a sword. Chirp Chirp Chirp. Rudely awakened. What the fuck was that?! Not sure. Maybe I dreamt it. Go back to sleep. Chirp Chirp Chirp. Awake again. What the fuck is that? Now I’m sitting up in bed looking around questioning if I am hearing things. I know that sometimes when I lay down at night I can hear Morse code rattling off in my ear. But that’s real faint. So faint that I can’t even hear it well enough to bust out my decoder ring and try and decode this shit. Someone may be in need. But there’s nothing I can do about it. Not even sure I would. Chirp Chirp Chirp. No. This is louder. Way louder. And now I know I am not the only one hearing it because my wife’s asshole dog is letting out quick barks after every chirp. That little asshole is as pissed off as I am. Even though the dog and I don’t get along, we both share a common trait….we are both fueled by Hatred.
So now I am up. Standing in the middle of the bedroom in just my boxers. One nut hanging out the side. I have to find the source of this noise and eradicate it. decide to use my superior skills of echo location to pinpoint the culprit. Problem is, it only bursts out these noises every 2 to 3 minutes. So there is a lot of time of me standing there, staring at this dog that annoys me. And then I find it.
Down the hallway that I NEVER go down, my wife plugged in a CO2 detector. My initial thought when I heard the chirps was that it was a smoke detector. But that couldn’t be. I ripped those fuckers off the wall years ago when they were doing the same exact thing. So I look at this thing and all it says is “ERR.” Fuck it. I yank it out of the wall socket and toss it on the ground. I don’t give a fuck if there is a CO2 leak in the house. I’m going back to bed. Silently praying there is a leak. That just means that NOTHING will wake me up.
Chirp Chirp Chirp.
What…the…fuck?! I pulled it out of the socket already. Is this thing possessed? Is Claude now haunting the robots in my house? Nope. After an examination of the detector, I find a 9 volt battery inside. So i rip that fucker out. Toss both things down the hall. Why the fuck do you need a battery in an object that gets plugged into the wall? And then it all dawned on me.
The fucking Asians!
You ever notice that the batteries in these smoke detectors never die on a Sunday afternoon at 2pm? Your CO2 robot isn’t dying on a Wednesday night when you are secretly watching the 3rd seasons of friends. No. It’s ALWAYS in the middle of the night. Those little bastards are programming these things to sense when you are sleeping. Probably listening for shallow breathing in an otherwise silent house. Maybe snoring. And then it strikes. They have the robots start draining the 9 volts so they can ruin your night.
When you think about it, it’s fucking ingenious! They know you are just going to rip these things off the wall and since Americans are lazy, they probably won’t replace the battery and hang it back up the next day. Like I said, I haven’t had working smoke detectors in my house for years. They are programming their shit so we kill ourselves! Fire breaks out. We die in our sleep as we choke on the smoke. I’ve seen it happen! Some broad on the next street over died 3 days before Xmas because of this! 3 DAYS BEFORE XMAS! those fucking savages. Is nothing sacred? And not only that, but by doing this, they are interrupting our sleep. They are trying to keep us in some half haze so it’s easier for them to take over!
But I’m onto them! I’m hip to their game now. And I am going to be doing extensive research on this to get to the bottom of it all and warn all of you with hard facts and data.
Step 1. Open my amazon prime app and order every different kind of smoke and carbon monoxide detector I can find cuz god forbid I leave my house and mingle with the common folk. I’ll just have it shipped to me.
Step 2. See which of these Asian countries are making these things. Maybe this is a multi-national attack going on here.
Step 3. Pretend that I know anything about electronics and try to reverse engineer these things to see if I can identify the coding used in this plot to bring down the western hemisphere.
Step 4. Show my findings to the U.N. and alert the entire world.
I will keep you degenerates updated with my findings as I uncover them. But start spreading the word! And don’t tell anyone with ties to Asians. If they are hip to the fact that I am onto them, they may bury the coding deeper and make it harder for me to find. I won’t even mention this to my half Korean wife. She may alert some sleeper cell or something.